Stranger

Every day I look in the mirror and see someone I don’t know.  I have no idea who she is.  I don’t know her talents, her passions, her goals, or her dreams.   I see her emptiness, her pain, her loneliness, and her loss of direction.  I want to help her but I don’t know how.  How do I teach something I’ve never been taught?  How do I reach out to her and help her find the person she wants to be? 

Desperate Choices

Over the weekend, a former co-worker committed suicide.  As we remembered her, many people stated that they couldn’t understand being in a position to even think about doing such a thing.  I nodded self-consciously.  Unfortunately, I do understand how desperate a person can become.  I entertained the same thoughts not too long ago.  I had access to pills that would easily do the job.   I even had a “to do list” of things I wanted to finish before I ended it all.   It was as dark of a place as anyone can be in.  I’ve spoken of overwhelming sadness and loss.  I still struggle with that sadness and loss. 

When I was suffering in this dark place, I drove past a man on a very high bridge.  He was sitting half way out on the railing.  He jumped in the time it took me to turn my car around at the next exit and go back.  Many emotions washed over me – pity, disbelief, compassion, and honestly jealousy.  I understood how he felt yet I couldn’t understand how he could actually take that final step.  I wondered what pushed him to his breaking point.  I knew how hopeless I felt and still I hung on.  How much worse than I did he feel?   I wondered if he knew the LORD.

I no longer consider suicide to be an option.   My prayer has become “LORD, please heal me or take me soon.”    I’m weary in my soul and weak in my faith.  It isn’t a good place to be.   I feel God near to me but I can’t bring myself to give in to Him.  It hurts me to hear the words of God.  It isn’t anger, it is pain.  Will the pain ever end?

Two people made a desperate choice to end their pain here on earth.  I pray that God has mercy on their souls.

Earthquake

There’s an underlying sadness that never goes away.  It is always present interfering with this woman’s joy.  The sadness came on January 12, 2010 when the earthquake that hit Haiti wrought absolute destruction in my soul.  Fantasy and reality slammed into each other and reality, as always, won.

I couldn’t speak to God about this.  I knew I was in the wrong.  I couldn’t pray for forgiveness knowing that I would make the same choices again.  I was drowning inside.  There were months that I couldn’t see through the tears.  I folded laundry through tears, I cooked through tears.  I showered and dressed through tears.  I lived and part of me died in my tears.  After two years, I still fight tears daily.

I am trying to make sense of what happened.  I believe God used me to save a man and his marriage.  It feels like God did this at my expense.  The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,“  declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  I struggle with this verse and many more.  I feel I was used by God and man.  I know I ignored my God’s voice.  I ignored His warnings and in my arrogance I thought I could handle whatever pain may result from my decision to move forward.  I was wrong.  I need Him to get through this pain.  But I still have trouble reaching out to Him.  More song lyrics come to my mind:

And I can hear Your voice inviting

“I’m here, I’ll never leave your side

My stubborn weary child

I am still here

Please let me lead you on

Your race is already won

I am you God”

                Leigh Nash

I am stubborn and weary.  Stubborn because it is so hard to turn to God when He separated me from someone I love unconditionally.  And weary because as always, God is right.  I’m reminded of the ant shaking its fist at an elephant.  My prayer will be the same tonight as too many nights before, “LORD, please help me because I don’t know what to pray anymore.  Amen”

What I have in common with Peter

Two women, broken, devastated, crying out to God from the deepest part of their soul.  Two women crying out for the man they desperately love.  Two women.  One man.  Who will God answer?

That isn't a question we can answer.  We don't have enough information.  God is all knowing so His answers are just.  One woman wins the love of a lifetime.  One woman has to learn that God's grace is sufficient.  It isn't an easy lesson.

Patiently whispering

Last evening on my way home from a class at Wilson, I turned on the Christian radio station.  A new song by Mercy Me came on.  I know it is a reminder that God is near the broken hearted.  He is near to me.  But I feel very far from Him. This song touched me enough to look up the lyrics.  This is Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me:

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears

He is waiting patiently for me to draw nearer to Him, to allow Him to take away this indescribable pain that I have lived with every day since January 12, 2010 when part of my heart died and my soul with it.  But turning to Him means letting go.  I don’t seem to be able to do that yet.  So He waits and whispers.  Sometimes He whispers to me through music.  Sometimes the music brings comfort.  But many times the music brings more pain, more tears, more frustration, more defeat.   Breathe…sometimes I feel it’s all I can do…pain so deep that I can hardly move.  I have had too many days, weeks, months, years like this.  Jesus come awake my heart and take my tears.

Incomplete beginnings

I am as incomplete as this blog at the moment.  I want to change that.  This will  be a blog of the journey I am about to undertake.